My Scorched Earth Policy

Bermuda grass. It’s the bane of my existence. Once, while looking for yet another solution to my bermuda problem, I read a comment on Apartment Therapy where some poor woman had laid thick black plastic on it to solarize it. She dug it out by hand. She poured horticultural strength vinegar on it and left it to shrivel in the sun. She even tried Round-up, though it went against her every belief. All of this was to no avail. Then I realized that the person who had written that comment was me, three years ago.

For my birthday last year, I received a new weapon to wage war against bermuda grass. It’s not for everyone, because it really is a weapon.

Behold, the FLAME WEEDER.

Hold on to your hat. You set your weeds… ON FIRE.

Die, jerks!!!

I wish I could say that it’s the answer to my prayers. It is not. It does get rid of the volunteer hackberry and oak trees that pop up everywhere, and it’s great for lesser weeds. Bermuda grass will still come back, but this does get rid of it for a while. More to the point, it is so, so satisfying. UNBELIEVABLY SATISFYING. I think this was the first time I ever let Richard use it and it was difficult to get him to turn it off. (Normally he’s the one to follow me around with a garden hose. This is a good idea, by the way.)

You have to buy a little propane tank at your local Lowe’s or Home Depot, but don’t worry, it’s only about $3. You can often find them in the plumbing session. These are not refillable, and it feels pretty wasteful to have a pile of empties sitting in the garage. I’m going to look into whether scrap metal companies will give you any cash for them.

P.S. Of course, you shouldn’t do this if your county has enacted a burn ban, or if the thing you’re trying to burn is near something you definitely don’t want to burn, such as a fence, or your house. Have a water source nearby, and so on.